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It's The New Fujian Flu...
The good folk of Hornchurch are dropping like flies. More
people have been phoning in work sick than ever before. Doctors cannot cope with the amount of poorly citizens that are forming
lengthy queues outside their practices. There is a new virus that is attacking young, old, rich and poor without discrimination.
Said to be more lethal than the Bubonic Plague, Fujian Flu, and The Black Death put together, local scientists are working
around the clock to find an antidote to 'Bottom of the Table Blues'. Since Stonewood picked up their first points of
the season by beating Bryant Rovers 4-1 last Sunday, relegating La Chiesa to the foot of the table, a malady has
taken over the town. It is believed by some that the cure could be progress to the semi final of the League Cup by beating
Woodford Hammers on Sunday, followed by a week or two of rest, then a short course of back to back league victories. If we
follow this treatment to the letter, hopefully all should be well for the new year. (02.12.03)
The Price Of Fame...
It had to happen. Sooner or later the buzz created by the formation
of La Chiesa was going to result in unnecessary attention for one of our players, and so it was last Friday
in the Harrow Public House, Hornchurch, when Darren Hodsoll, yes, he of red card infamy, was buying a round of drinks
(a rare enough occurence!). Apparently a cabbie had been talking about this site (well, who isn't), to a punter.
This fan checked it out, recognised our skipper from the player profiles and plucked up the courage to approach
him. Friendly banter ensued, "Play a bit yourself son?" etc etc, autographs were signed and everyone
went home happy. A great bit of Public Relations from Darren, going some of the way to erasing the shame of his foul
mouthed four letter tirade at Referee Fox a couple of weeks ago! (07.11.03)
Comforting Words...
Since our cup exit at the hands of Thorndon Park on Sunday, the
town of Hornchurch has been in a sombre mood. The skies have been grey, the mood has been low, and a mass depression has
affected it's citizens. In scenes reminiscent of Kurt Cobains death almost a decade ago, the local radio stations
switchboard has been jammed with kids wondering how life is going to go on. At times like this you start to ask yourself some
serious questions...Was the pre season level of expectancy too high? Did we raise our supporters hopes unrealistically with
our claims of sexy football and promise of grandiose stadia such as The Mill Field, Aveley? Fate being the
fickle friend that she is, has robbed us of players through injury and holidays, and conspired to make goals fly in direct
from corners.
In our darkest moment, we used up one of our wishes, and made contact
with a hero of ours to ask his advice on how to cope in these miserable times, and where our first
league points were coming from. Here's what he told us...
"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; merely the
comparison of one state with the other, nothing more. Only he who has felt the deepest grief is able to experience supreme
happiness. We must have felt what it is to lose, to appreciate the joy of winning.
Play then, and be happy, beloved Chiesa of my heart, and never forget
that until the day that God deigns to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words... 'Wait
& Hope'.
Your Friend,
Edmond Dantes
Count of Monte Cristo"
...Everything's gonna be alright! (29.10.03)
It's Tough at the Top!
On a rare weekend break from their busy training schedule,
a few of the boys ventured over to Hylands Park, Chelmsford to rough it with hundreds of thousands of Rock
fans. Naturally they were mobbed from the moment they set foot in the venue. Tabloid Queen Jodie Marsh was just one of the
many girls who wanted to be seen with the Chiesa Spice Boys. Although Player Manager Sam Knowles was happy to pose
for a picture, he had to tell Jodie "that's as far as it goes" (see picture below) - he's
a one woman man! Later on, she was seen crying on the shoulder of Z-list celebrity, Calum Best.(18.08.03)
| "Honestly, it WAS La Chiesa's Manager... |
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| ...I want it in ALL the Sunday Papers!!!" |
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Nice to see you, to see you...
Click here for added authenticity..
BRUCIE : "We asked a hundred "switched
on" people, if you were sitting at work on a Tuesday afternoon in October, would you have a look at lachiesa.com? How
many "switched on" people said, 'Yes, if I was sitting at work on a Tuesday afternoon in October, I would have a look
at lachiesa.com?"
HUSBAND1: "Ooh, I dunno, what do you
think? Thirty? Thirty Five?"
WIFE1: "Bit lower I reckon, Twenty
Five? Yep, Twenty Five"
BRUCIE: "You're saying Twenty Five people
would look, OK, over to you two, what do you reckon? Higher or Lower than Twenty Five?"
HUSBAND2: "I don't think as many as that
would look, lower!"
WIFE2: " They're only a Sunday Morning team
aren't they? Yes, definitely lower!"
BRUCIE: " You're going lower than Twenty
Five, I must say it did seem a bit high...The actual number of "switched on" people who said, 'Yes, if I was sitting
at work on a Tuesday afternoon in October, I WOULD look at lachiesa.com is......."
<Bell
Rings>
BRUCIE:"......52! So you were wrong to go lower! Well I never, as many as that!"
(30.10.03)
Injury Update...
Although we are all big strong boys, we are only human, and prone to injury
the same as any other mere mortals. We are are going to be without the lightning
speed and flowing locks of frontman Danny Sales for another couple of weeks yet with a knee problem, and midfielder
Sam Knowles is sidelined with an ankle injury. Warren Hardwick made a encouraging return against St Augustines,
but pulled his hamstring next time out at Ascot, along with Mark Harris and John Riley. Adam Jeffers (back/knee) has
visited legendary specialist Dr G Fawkes and is having scans on his troublesome back and knee next week. Mind you, who
is Firmin going to invade the pitch with if these boys actually start playing??!! Who holds the papers if it gets windy?
Isn't it great that they turn up to watch even though they're injured though? Then again, to be honest, I expect nothing
less from anybody fortunate enough to be part of the exclusive club that is 'La Chiesa del Corno' (11.11.03)
Single from Dagenham East to Upminster Please!
To the dismay of traditionalists, but for the good of the future
of La Chiesa del Corno, we have moved our home fixtures from Dagenham Priory to Coopers, Upminster. A Club spokesman
revealed, " As long as we stayed at the Priory, we were always going to struggle to compete with the very best at the
highest level. There is no doubt that the move to Coopers had a major bearing on the decisions of Mark Harris and
Adam Jeffers to commit their futures to La Chiesa.We have secured the necessary backing from investors to finance the move,
and have done so without gambling on the club's future." When asked whether there was any cash left over for new players,
he replied, "There is money available, but the Manager is more than happy with the squad at his disposal." (02.09.03)
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Who Are These Imposters?
It has come to our attention that there is another side playing
the beautiful game in Hornchurch, and that they have aspirations to become even bigger than us! Our source at the Essex FA
told us that they tried to register theirselves as 'La Chiesa del Corno Unito', but were turned down as it was too
similar to our name, and the league secretary may get the two confused! They had to settle for Hornchurch FC, and have been
spending money hand over fist on their squad, facilities & advertising in a vain attempt to become THE club in the
Church of the Horn. Yeah, really! Last Sunday they beat Third Division Darlington 2-0 in the 1st Round of the FA Cup,
a competition that we declined to enter. Similar to Man Utd four seasons ago, we had an agonising decision as to whether
we could field a full strength team in two tournaments simultaneously, and there was only ever going to be one winner between
the devalued FA Challenge Cup and the prestigous Arthur Anthony Cup! Anyhow, they have drawn Tranmere Rovers
at home in the next round. a tie that is to be played at Bridge Avenue on December 6th, the eve of our gargantuan cup
clash with Woodford Hammers. What a double header! Sky Sports are likely to show both matches live, but don't let that
put you off sampling the atmosphere at the grounds! (11.11.03)
Manager Safe...For Now!!
Samuel Knowles' future at La Chiesa del Corno was still in doubt last night
after he was given the dreaded vote of confidence by the Board. Directors at the club have staunchly defended
manager Knowles following criticism for recent results. LCDC have
now lost their last two matches and went down to a 4-1 defeat against Thorndon Park on Sunday which increased fans'
frustrations. They have just one win from four matches this season, and Knowles was rumoured to have been joining Glenn Hoddle,
Lawrie Sanchez, Glenn Roeder, and Mark McGhee on the dole queue if results didn't improve.
However, a spokesman told the club's official website: "As a Board
we fully understand the frustrations of supporters and we know that football is an emotional and passionate game both on and
off the field. I have spoken to all of the other directors but
as far as I'm concerned the manager's position is rock solid and he has my absolute support."
This has done
little to dampen speculation surrounding the position, with Hector Cuper, Raddy Antic, Martin O'Neill and a dream combination
of Hoddle and Eileen Drewery (above) among bookies favourites for the job. Former Arsenal legend Tony Adams has
ruled himself out of the running, having been heavily supported after he was spotted
looking at property in the Emerson Park area last week.
Knowles, who rushed to West London following Sundays match to attend
the National Music Awards, refused to comment on the subject, saying "I'm just here to enjoy an evening with my friends"
(27.10.03)
It Wasn't Me!
La Chiesa del Corno have denied that any of their players were involved
in the alleged gang rape of a teenager in a London hotel - making them the first Corinthian League club to make
a public statement on the matter. The Hornchurch side
were one of six clubs playing in London last weekend when a 17-year-old girl alleges she was attacked at a top hotel. "We can categorically confirm that neither La Chiesa del Corno nor any
of its players are being investigated in relation to the alleged incident in London at the weekend," an LCDC spokesman
said on Friday. The Catholic schoolgirl who made the
claims said she consented to sex with one player at the Grosvenor House hotel in Park Lane, but was then attacked by a group
of up to seven others. The players alleged to have been
involved are from more than one Corinthian club. (03.10.03)
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