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Lies, Damn Lies, & Statistics...
You have to be careful how you interpret statistics. Johnny Ball
(above) was an expert, and made it interesting, but they can be misleading. For instance, it has been said that one in six
men in London are homosexual, but there are only two in our squad that I know of, yet we have almost thirty lads
signed up! And apparently, one in five people
in the world are Chinese. Well there are five people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Brian. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Brian.
Anyway, however you interpret recent results from Division Three
of the Corinthian League, there is no question that La Chiesa look like Championship material! On current form we lie
second in the table, with only our ten man defeat at Astra blotting the copybook. What a shame our poor start
to the season ruined any dreams of promotion early doors. Here is the latest 'Form Table'...
| Division
Three Form Table |
|
P |
W |
D |
L |
F |
A |
Pts |
| Ascot United |
5 |
4 |
1 |
0 |
17 |
3 |
13 |
| La Chiesa |
5 |
4 |
0 |
1 |
14 |
11 |
12 |
| Astra |
5 |
3 |
1 |
1 |
23 |
8 |
10 |
| May & Bakers |
5 |
3 |
1 |
1 |
13 |
8 |
10 |
| Woodford Hammers |
5 |
3 |
0 |
2 |
12 |
7 |
9 |
| Esprit |
5 |
2 |
0 |
3 |
10 |
11 |
6 |
| Ashton Park |
5 |
1 |
1 |
3 |
13 |
15 |
4 |
| St. Augustines |
5 |
1 |
0 |
4 |
7 |
16 |
3 |
| Bryant Rovers |
5 |
0 |
0 |
5 |
4 |
22 |
0 |
| Stonewood |
5 |
0 |
0 |
5 |
4 |
26 |
0 |
..been meaning to show this all season, can't think why I didn't
remember until now... (24.02.04)
Who's This Cool Customer?
Whether it be Ugg boots, knackered jeans, army jackets, or eighties
accesssories, there's always something that leading fashion experts declare indispensable for the forthcoming season...
and you can be the first to get your hands on THE hot item for spring/summer 04 right here at lachiesa.com. Today La Chiesa
Del Corno launch their range of merchandise, with a T-Shirt incorporating a LC/DC Rock motif (pictured) - It's
a look that says 'I'm a football fan... and a bit more besides!'. Available in Black/Silver, Red/Black & Navy/White,
rumour has it David Beckham has already placed an order for ten of each colour, and Britney Spears and Christina
Aguilera are desperate to be involved in the advertising campaign. So, if you want to be envy of your friends, and all
who pass you in the street this summer, get yourself kitted out in an LC/DC T-Shirt NOW! The first 50 shirts are on
offer at the special price of £10 - available in S,M,L & XL. You can order by email or phone, if you have my
number, - please quote 'ROCK'. (31.01.04)
I Believe In A Thing Called Love!
This morning, I
was awoken by the sound of rain on my bedroom window, but to me it seemed like the most beautiful day of my life. The
queue for a ticket at Upminster station, that is usually so annoying on a Monday, was a pleasure to be in. I missed the train
but what the hell, there was another one coming in a minute. The same old grumpy faces on the Fenchurch Street line must have
all had plastic surgery, because today, everyone of them looked a million dollars! The girl sitting next to me was
yelling down her mobile on to her mate, explaining every detail of her weekend, and I couldn't help but smile at her.
Her cheap perfume smelled to me like the kind that Princess Diana would have worn. All in all, the rush hour
that is the bane of my life was a delightful experience today. Everyone is beautiful and I smile at every stranger I see,
after all, they're are just a friend that I am yet to meet! The reason for this
peculiar behaviour? I am in love, and it feels great! I met her for the first time just yesterday, but already,
I never want to let her go! This is it! She hit me like a thunderbolt, turned a bright spark into a flame, and my beats
per minute never been the same! Yes I'm in love... with winning! This could be the start of something beautiful (I'm even
willing to share her with the rest of the lads!) (05.01.04)
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Sad Forkers???
As regular readers will know, the drainage in the lower field at
Coopers Stadium isn't as good as it could be. Our game vs Woodford Hammers was called off last month, and with the constant
drizzle we have endured recently, Sundays visit of Bryant was heading for postponement also. A pitch inspection
on Saturday afternoon by goalkeeper Danny Hardwick and superfan Steve Firmin confirmed our worst fears; unless the pitch got
a good seeing to, and quick, we'd be twiddling our thumbs come Sunday morning. The boys enlisted the help of striker
Adam Jeffers and midfielder Sam Knowles, borrowed their parents gardening tools and, while most of Essex was out boozing,
fighting, dancing, or snogging on Saturday night, did to the Coopers playing field what bad boy rappers do to their
girlfriends.... they forked our muddy fucking pitch! (09.02.04)
The Secret Of My Success - Revealed!
People often ask me for advice on how to be successful. "Is there a secret?" they
say.
As we all know, real success comes slowly and
is due to a number of different factors all coming together over a period of years. Being successful takes intelligence, natural
talent, knowledge, skill, hard work, smart choices, persistence and luck. Although there is no real shortcut, there is a secret -
a secret so powerful that you can use it to open doors that might otherwise be closed, and to influence people to help you
time and again. In fact, I would go as far as to say that this is the secret that has a lot to do with my success.
While most people were making New Years Resolution's concerning giving up smoking,
cutting down on alcohol and drug taking habits, and reducing their fatty food intake, the boys at La Chiesa resolved
to cut down on the amount of games they lost on Sunday Mornings, and try as hard as they could to win the match
instead. No patches were required, no tablets were taken, we just decided that every time a team scored against us, we would
score one, or more against them. It is a method that served us well against Bryant Rovers, and hopefully will continue to
stand us in good stead for the rest of the season! Don't go telling everyone, else they'll all be at it, but there you
have it, in black and white - The Secret of My Success! (05.01.04)
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Agent Cleared Of Any Wrongdoing
They operate in a murky world, handling sums of money shrouded in
mystery. There is talk of backhanders and offshore accounts and even their own admit their world is a little "wonky". Soccer
agents such as Eric 'Monster Monster' Hall (above) have long been accused of dubious transfer practices and sometimes
even outright corruption that drains money away from the game, and questions are now being asked about their activities.
But Iain Gay and Jon Gray have leapt to the defence of their agent following
their "dream" moves to La Chiesa Del Corno, and
in an effort to promote greater openess in their transfer dealings, Chiesa revealed they gave three days rent free
accomodation to the boys' agent Cy Taylor for his part in the deal.
"He did everything right to make the move happen for me," claimed Gray, and Gay believes Taylor
was vital in his move to the Hornchurch Rossineri. "My agent played a big part in me joining this club, so I have to
say thank you to him," the 25-year-old said."I cannot praise him high enough for getting me the move of my dreams. He did
a job and I was definitely happy with it. If people don't understand the way it happened then that is their choice. But I'm
not really affected by the way my agent earns his money because he made it happen and I'm happy I'm at La Chiesa." (24.02.04)
Lithium Anyone?
Listening to Nirvana's classic '91 'Nevermind' album in my
bedroom earlier this week, like any self respecting mixed up teenage 29 year old, a certain lyric struck a chord with
me. When you've just left school or college and get a job, Friday night is THE night to let your hair down after a hard
week at work. Then again there was always the BIG NIGHT OUT on a Saturday, to look forward to. Now those days are more or
less behind us, most of the La Chiesa squad will probably agree that - 'Sunday morning is everyday
for all I care' Was this song about grass roots football? Was Kurt Cobain a secret Sunday league soccer fan?
Maybe he spent many a happy morning cheering on Seattle Rovers before the drugs kicked in! We'll never know, but in response
to those that have been asking why we would want to get up, bleary eyed, on our day off to kick a ball around the
park in the freezing cold , and others that have questioned our ability to cope with the fame that our recent successes have
thrust upon us, we say (a) 'We like it....' and (b) '...we're not gonna crack!' (28.01.04)
Ah Ted, I'm Glad I Caught You...
...it's about the drainage in the lower field! Literally dozens
of La Chiesa supporters were left disappointed this Sunday, due to the postponement of the eagerly awaited clash with Woodford
Hammers at Coopers. Fans had turned up in droves to witness this encounter, and it was expected to be a record attendance
at 'The Fortress', but the game was called off after the groundsman and referee declared the penalty area at the Pavillion
End unplayable. A spokesman for the club confirmed that all tickets for the match WILL be valid for the re-arranged fixture.
A date for the rematch has yet to be decided. (11.01.04)
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